May: A Month of Reflection and Contemplation

This month has been one of deep reflection for me. Jin and I are coming upon the first year anniversary of our marriage and the past year has been one with many changes. I could have never anticipated many of the events that have taken place and I was starting to feel like I was in a somewhat foggy state of mind, confused as to how my life has turned out this way. It is also coming to the end of my university contract and I have friends who have and will be moving back home or to new places come August. This is a reality of living as an expat in Seoul. The expat community is transient here and in my experience, women especially, come and go. I will be saying goodbye to a very dear friend this summer and it will be what feels like the millionth time that I am doing that. I have made such deep friendships in this city with other expats and I have watched them finish their adventure in Korea and I have stayed here. It is a somewhat uncomfortable feeling because as I have touched on in previous posts, I tend to easily feel trapped.

I will miss this lovely soul very much but am excited for her next chapter in Toronto.

However I am incredibly grateful for the friendships that I have made because there is something special about the people you create close relationships with when you are far from home. The level of intimacy that you share is very special because even though I have a community here, it is not the same as the foundational one that I grew up in. I tend to rely on my friends in Seoul and my sober community for a great deal of emotional support. When I am in Canada I have my parents and my sister who provide a large amount of that for me. I do have my husband here, but I have come to learn in sobriety and my adult years that I need much more than one person in my support system. So I have been confronting the fact that yet again, changes will be taking place in my life, I will be saying goodbye to some close friends and reconciling with the fact that I have chosen to stay in Seoul.

I think that the greatest benefit of my current job is the vacation. I am so lucky to be able to go home for 5 weeks this summer and spend quality time with my family and friends. I will be able to stand beside my sister at her wedding, visit with my grandparents in my hometown, reconnect with high school friends and do an American Road trip with my parents and husband. I am so excited for all of these upcoming events. They help me put into perspective why I have chosen this life. Sometimes though, it can be difficult for me not to feel like I have just escaped reality living here in Seoul and that eventually this Korean adventure will have to end and then I will have to start over in Canada and be bounds and leaps behind all of my peers who stayed and built careers and families there.

Marriage is also very confronting for me. I love my husband deeply, but I have been commitment phobic my entire life, and I come from a part of the world where views on marriage in general are so varied. At one point in my life I truly believed that I might not get married. Our first year of marriage has been met with some challenges and we have had to face many changes together. It has not been easy, and certainly not what I had imagined my first year of marriage to be. It has been good for me though to reflect this month and have some very raw and vulnerable conversations with family and friends around my feelings with regards to all of this.

Jin and me 💜

The good news is that I am feeling a little bit like the fog has lifted and I am feeling more grounded here. One day at a time. Getting comfortable with the highs and lows of life is something I will constantly be working on. In the past I turned to alcohol when I didn't want to feel my pain or sadness. I think that grief comes in many shapes and forms and we can grieve not just people but also ideas that we had for ourselves. I am so grateful for the community that I have here and the tools that I have in my life now that prevent me from taking that first drink.