Fear

I went out last Monday, I braved the virus. I put on my mask, sunglasses and gloves, grabbed my hand sanitizer, lysol wipes and grocery list and went out into the world. It was the first time going out since March 15th. I had been self isolating from the day that I picked my husband up at the airport.

Fear and anxiety was running through me as I entered the mall and gave my name to the security guard to sign in. It continued to propel me as I walked through the mall crossing the aisle when a couple was walking in my direction, screaming in my head "STAY AWAY FROM ME!" I got to the bank and noticed the marks on the ground for standing and the workers there, some of which wearing masks and others not. When it was finally my turn to go in I stood apprehensively waiting for the woman behind the plexiglass wall to process my cheques. Another bank attendant came around the corner and walked by me, less than a metre away. I jumped! She continued on into the back office.

Just a few of my thoughts:

I will need to take a hot shower as soon as I get home and throw all of my clothes into the wash.

Why doesn't she wear a mask? Does she think she's above the right to protect others?

Why is that man insisting on walking in and not waiting behind the line?

Ugh why has this couple come to the grocery store together? They don't think they should have to follow the one person per household rule?

Why is that elderly woman here? Where are her family members? 

I should have never come here. I will probably be bringing the virus home with me.

So much fear and judgement. I was a nervous wreck by the time I came home. From two simple acts: going out to get groceries and deposit cheques.

To say that the frenzy around this pandemic has gotten to me is an understatement.

I am less concerned with the uncertainty in all of this and more concerned with finding a way to work through my fear. I am not sure if the bombarding of information and media coverage is helpful at this point. I know how to get myself grounded, I know that I have the tools but what I want is to get to a state where I am not on an emotional rollercoaster as soon as a step outside my door. This is madness.

For now the thing I can do is breathe, accept that I am powerless to this pandemic and pray for the willingness.
The willingness to let go of my need to control everything around me because if I miss something, then we will all be in grave danger.
The willingness to let go of this notion that the more tightly wound I am, the more likely I am to protect my loved ones and me from contracting Corona virus. 

I have experienced many blessings from the pandemic, the first being 5 weeks with my husband in Canada. The ability to work remotely, to cook with family and spend quality time together. To connect with others in recovery and bond across international borders. I am reminded of how blessed I am repeatedly throughout the day.

But I struggle with fear. The world is struggling with fear right now. I am a sponge, soaking it all in. 

Breathe.

Pray.

Surender.

Let go.

Breathe.

Pray.

Surrender.

Let go.