Present

My word of the year is Present. I thought about it as I enter my year with my new family, the year ahead will be a year to focus on my son, our home and my close relationships. It feels as though in all of the changes I went through in 2022, 2023 will be a year of settling in and trying my best to be present. 

I like to choose a word that is both a verb and a noun. Although at first I thought the action of presenting something or someone did not seem right, as I sat with it more, it made complete sense. This past weekend we travelled to Saskatchewan to visit our family. I literally presented Jacob to his great grandparents, and great aunts and uncles. It was my grandparents' first time meeting one of their great grandchildren in person and it was very special. Especially so because unfortunately, my grandfather passed away just a few days after. 

All of this came as a shock as he was not exactly sick leading up to our visit, however he has had advanced Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) for many years and he caught Respiratory Syncytial Virus (RSV), which eventually made its way to all of us during the visit, ultimately sending him to the hospital where he had a bad fall and never came back into consciousness.

We are home now and Jacob has a cough and cold, sneezing lots but otherwise doing fine. He is sleeping well, nursing lots and peeing and pooping normally. We are closely monitoring his symptoms and brought him in to see his doctor who let us know that he is fine thus far. I am so grateful to have the relationship with our doctor that we have, especially within the current healthcare situation in Ontario. She has given us permission to come in anytime this weekend during her working hours if we are concerned. I feel in my gut that Jacob will be ok. I have to stay present to this feeling. A part of me knows that my grandpa is ensuring that.

Anyone close to me knows just how vigilant I have been over the past few years with regards to trying my best to avoid contracting COVID. My anxiety has been high with regards to it and then when I found out I was pregnant with Jacob, it only got worse. Then the rise of RSV cases with infants in hospitals started to really scare me and I insisted our family continue to practise very safe practises (i.e. masking in public, rapid testing before any type of social gathering, social distancing etc.) One day though, I decided it would be really nice to travel to Saskatchewan and visit my family. We thought it would be a Christmas gift for my grandparents who were trying to figure out a way to come see us and that was looking to be more and more complicated with their own travel limitations. Something was telling me that this might be their only chance to meet Jacob. So we booked our trip for a random, cold weekend in January, not even remotely an ideal time to visit Saskatchewan. It felt right though.

Little did we know just how important this trip might be. And so it seems that my worst fears came true. My grandfather passed away and my son contracted RSV. In so many ways though, there were multiple blessings received from this time together:

• My grandfather was with all of his children, one grandchild and one great grandchild in the days before he passed away. 

• My grandmother was surrounded by her children as she said goodbye to her husband and life companion of 65 years.

• My grandmother got to meet her great grandson and hold him in her arms. 

• My grandfather passed on swiftly in hospital with very little discomfort and on a ventilator, finally able to get a full dose of oxygen again.

• My husband was able to meet my grandfather and other extended family members, and spend quality time with them all.

• My dad got to be with his father in his passing and is still there now.

• We got through two full travel days with an infant and he did wonderfully.

• Our worst nightmare happened - Jacob caught RSV. He is doing fine and I know that he will be ok.

And so I am reminded of the word present as I sit here with my son nursing in bed and my father a few provinces away making the necessary arrangements after his father's death. Life is so precious. 

My son, and my family are my greatest presents. I know that my grandfather would have wanted for me to understand that. 

Rest in peace Grandpa Gerry. I love you.