Embracing My Second Pregnancy

New years eve came with the wonderful gift of finding out the sex of our baby- a girl! We are so excited to be welcoming her into the world in May 2025. I have been allowing myself to get more and more excited as I feel her somersaulting around inside my growing belly- she is very active in there, although I am still battling anxiety daily about her well-being and future. 

Getting pregnant did not happen as easily as I hoped it would. We tried unsuccessfully for three months before getting pregnant, which in retrospect I understand is not a very long time but I really did not know what to expect because my pregnancy with Jacob came as a complete surprise. 

I also turned 35 in December which is essentially when you become "geriatric" in the medical world, and google tells you that your fertility has dropped dramatically, so I was hyper aware of that as well. I have so much empathy for couples that struggle with infertility, because in just three months, the rollercoaster ride of waiting, hope, anticipation, obsessing over every premenstrual/possible pregnancy symptom and then the low of getting your period was taxing on both Yeorum and me. 

This past summer was also extremely demanding at work, I was on a project that essentially required two of me to keep things going at the pace expected, and so I worked long hours, barely leaving my desk except for pee breaks from 7-7 most days. Yeorum was on solo parent duty for many weekday evenings, and we were struggling to find time to enjoy our first summer in our new home. Trying to conceive had begun to feel like a burden, but I just had this clear vision and feeling that on our next trip to Korea (which was in October) I would be sitting on the airplane pregnant. 

After a loving call from my sister, where she consoled me and reassured me that it was totally normal that it wasn't happening as immediately as I'd hoped, she suggested that I find a way to go inward and take more care of myself. She helped me shift my overall perspective and focus on the idea that, unlike everything else going on in my life, the approach of striving and trudging along to meet the external demands of life, was completely different to the process of getting pregnant. This idea that what needed to happen would take place inside of me rather than out there in the world based on everything I was pushing forward.

I realized that my current environment was not at all conducive to me getting pregnant, I thought about 2 years prior, when I found out I was pregnant with Jacob. At that time, work was steady and the team around me brought joy to my day. I often had time for daily walks in the afternoon, I was active in my recovery meetings, meditating daily, and Yeorum and I were still very much enjoying the newness of our relationship and the delight of navigating life together in my newly purchased condo. It was a time in my life where things felt much more easeful than they had been feeling this past summer. I realized that I had barely taken the time to go out and explore my new neighbourhood since we had moved in April, that the stress of taking on a second mortgage was only propelling me to work more tirelessly, and that I had altogether stopped some of my daily practices like prayer, meditation and recovery meetings that brought me some quiet and connection to God everyday. I wasn't even eating properly anymore, I would come downstairs at 2 pm most days starved and searching for a quick, easy snack because I had not yet taken time to eat. I knew that  I just had to get through a few more weeks of intensity on the project that I was on, and then I would be looking for a new client in the winter as it came to an end before our trip to Korea in October. 

It is no wonder I was not getting pregnant, and in retrospect such a blessing because I do not think I could have functioned properly with first trimester nausea alongside my heavy workload at the time. We took our first family vacation to Tremblant for a a few days in August, and work finally slowed a down just enough for me to begin doing as my sister suggested. Going inward, I started to implement my meditations again, and sought out some local recovery meetings in our new neighbourhood. And eventually, one evening while rocking Jacob to sleep, I had this immediate voice in my head say to me "you are pregnant." I came in to our bedroom after putting Jacob down and announced to Yeorum that for the first time, I think it might have worked this month. 

I then proceeded to doubt myself over the next few days as the familiar PMS symptoms set in, and then with a sudden urgency, my dad was sick. Quite sick, he was being admitted to the hospital and I was taking off work to be by his bedside waiting on test results. As we waited and my life became very focused...I realized one day in his hospital room, while opening up my period tracker app that I was technically 3 days late. This was not normal for me. By the next morning I was taking a test and the two blue lines popped up within seconds. 

Finding this out while we were so consumed with worry and fear for my dad, was such a joy. It felt like hope. But the anxiety that I had did not go away, it just transfered to anxiety about this little being growing inside of me and whether or not they would survive. I had forgotten about this feeling, but it felt suddenly familiar. I felt similar throughout my pregnancy with Jacob, and luckily when he was born, and finally outside of my body, and I got to see him, touch him and hear him cry for the first time, it had alleviated. Not completely, but for me there was just something about him being outside of myself, and so visibly human and OK that gave me the deepest reassurance that he was going to be fine. 

There is a fair amount of information out there about postpartum depression and anxiety, which I can totally understand because my hormones did take a major dip after Jacob was born. But I honestly felt reassured most times while holding him and watching him breathe and stare up at me with his big intense grey brown eyes. 

There is less information out there about anxiety during pregnancy. This, for me is much more relatable, and this pregnancy has been laced with so much hope and fear happening at the exact same time. On the positive, I am finally allowing myself to nest and buy baby items and cute things for baby girl. Every kick I feel reminds me that she's growing and existing inside of me, but I still find myself often searching for something to worry about with her, as if all of this planning and preparing is only going to bring me eventual disappointment and sorrow. 

My dad has recovered from his liver abscess which is what brought him into the hospital in the fall, but he has continued to face different challenges with his health which is also confronting and running in parallel to all of this. He is Jacob's favourite person by far, and I want so badly for this little girl to have all of the time in the world with her Papa, and I can't help but acknowledge the fears that come up around that as well. 

I recently transferred to my OBGYN and went in to see her, to discuss the next phase of what's to come with regards to medical visits and tasks over the remainder of this pregnancy. Baby girl's latest scan looks good. And then the topic of birth came up. I had a c-section with Jacob, and was hoping to try for a vaginal birth with this baby. My doctor immediately brought up the risk of a uterine fissure, which would be extremely dangerous and strongly suggested that I consider a second scheduled c-section. I expressed my desire to be able to pick up Jacob after this baby was born as the main reason why I want to try for a VBAC, but felt disheartened overall at her advice. I then spent an evening this week going down the rabbit hole of google looking up the risks and benefits of a second c-section vs. vaginal delivery after c section, adding in some additional research for my father's medical challenges ahead, and felt my anxiety stirring. 

This fear about the unknown, of baby girl somehow not making it out into the world safely or at all because of a decision I make is so incredibly heavy. And to be honest, before it was this, I was terrified about the genetic test results, and then the anatomy scan, the places my mind wanders and then eventually races towards can be so overpowering at times. 

I remind myself that she is ok, and with every kick I feel reassured. I am taking time to meditate again, I have rediscovered a recovery group that has online meetings that work for me right now. I am really trying to care for myself and my mind but it has not been easy. 

One powerful way that I remind myself that all is well, is when I think about Jacob. I just watch him sometimes and am so instantly reminded that he is such a healthy, strong and robust little boy who is doing just fine. I know that I was able to create him, and that is enough for me in that moment. I continue to have hope amidst the anxiety, and I am trying my best. 

I wanted to share this in case it helps someone else who is experiencing the same thing. Hang in there, and find what works for you to overcome anxiety even if just for a few moments in your day. I chose the word embrace for the year 2025. I want to embrace the moments I have that are truly present and joyful with my family. I want to embrace my little girl in the spring upon her arrival and continue to embrace my son everyday. It is a reminder for me of something I will do and need to do to be brought back into reality, with the people I love, right here, right now.