The Disease of Self Comparison

This morning during my meditation I was hit was an intense wave of anxiety.

I had just settled into the meditation and was having a cozy morning at home, so this came completely unexpected.
Some of the worries that came to mind were:

I am going to be 29 in a few months and my life is about to take a major shift, what am I doing?

I thought that I would be starting a family by now and my husband and I are nowhere near ready for that right now. What does that mean? 

Am I going to be an old mother? 

Is it even going to happen for me? 

I plan on moving back home to Canada next year, will my husband follow me? 

Will we be able to make our lives work in Canada successfully? How long will that take? 
By the time we feel settled, will I be too old to have children? 

Yikes, it was powerful, and it truly came out of nowhere. The truth is, we just moved into a new place and it has been an incredibly joyous time for us. The apartment is twice the size of our old place, (which is still tiny) and we have really enjoyed furnishing and decorating it over the past few weeks. I have entered into my second year at the University that I teach at and my husband has finally taken time off to pursue his studies and business endeavours. I have made a plan to start studying professional coaching in the new year and eventually move back to Canada. I feel like this is exactly where I am meant to be right now, and this is the perfect final home for us in Seoul.

So why am I suddenly hit with this terrifying feeling that I am doing everything wrong and my time is running out?

I did a Tarot Spread after my meditation and the cards I pulled were quite impactful. The first card, which indicates my current challenge that Spirit is guiding me through, was Failure. This card represents fears of failing or fears of success. It indicates that in the next seven weeks to seven months, I have an opportunity to move through old fears of failure that may have surfaced in the last seven months or that go back seven years or even as far back to when I was seven years old. Wow. I was pretty taken a back by this reading because it was dead on. Seven years ago, I imagined I would have already started my family by now. I always wanted to be a young(ish) mom. I certainly never could have imagined that I would move to Seoul and marry a Korean man!?! My 21 year old self would be totally shocked to find that out!!

The following cards I pulled had to do with my own creativity and self expression as well as the initiation and completion of important projects in my life to come. This is what prompted me to write this blog post.

Every now and then I get hit hard with the disease of self comparison. In the age of social media, viewing everyone' s highlight reels (which I am totally guilty of contributing to as well), we are bombarded with images of other people's successes and life stages but often not any of their struggles. Most of the people that I follow on Instagram are women in their twenties and thirties, to whom I can relate to the most. This means that when I see that So and So is pregnant, and So and So bought a house with their partner in Canada, I cannot help but compare my life to theirs and feel inadequate in some way.

And then the guilt sets in because I am all about women empowering women and I do not like feeling envious of people whom I admire and love. I want to celebrate with the people in my life who are doing well and achieving success, not feel sorry for myself because I am not necessarily in the same place. Gosh, what a conflicted state to be in.

So today is a day for me to practise letting go of the ideas I have built around what my life should look like. I am reminded to be present to all of the blessings I have in my life today. I am also reminded to simply breathe and give it to my Higher Power. They will take care of me, all in due time.

In reality, I know that I have time. Life is actually very good right now, and how come it is at these times when my mind begins to rigorously search for something to be fearful about? The power of anxiety can be paralyzing sometimes. I have struggled with it my entire life. I am just so grateful that I have tools now for learning how to process it. And one of those tools is reaching out to you and expressing my fears to the world. Hopefully, this expression reaches another person who is dealing with their own fears from self comparison as well.



Just remember to breathe, let it go. You will be taken care of. All in due time.

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