Saying Goodbye to my Twenties
It's my 30th birthday and I must admit that this birthday has felt
the most daunting as of yet. Somehow there is this resonating feeling of
"you must have your shit together" as I enter into my third decade.
Who knows if I will ever feel like I have everything together, somehow I doubt
it.
I wanted to take some time to reflect upon my twentieth decade, so
that I can get some perspective on it all and hopefully be reminded of
why it is good to be getting older.
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| It's been a beautiful ride so far... |
What I'll miss about my Twenties
- There was a certain reckless abandon & trust in the universe: I spent a lot of my twenties, especially the earlier part, wandering. I explored, explored and explored some more. and I did not feel like I had to have answers quite yet for anything. I feel like I lived for weekend adventures, my foresight did not go very far past the next few days. Life felt a little less serious and a lot more unpredictable. I enjoyed the chaos and also lack of responsibility.
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| My 22nd birthday-a blur of drinking & dancing |
- Body love: Real talk- I
looked great in my twenties. My metabolism was not slowing down but most
of all; I didn't seem to pay much attention to it either way. I radiated a
fair amount of body confidence, and I think one great reason for that was
simply, I didn't obsess about things. This is probably because clothes fit
me well and I was more consumed with my anticipation for the next social
event.
- Precious Time with Family: If I could
go back and say to myself at 21, "spend as much time with your
grandma and cousin as you can, they won't be around much longer" I
would have. I have fond memories with my family throughout my entire life,
but I especially cherish the most recent memories that I have
with the loved ones who have since passed on.
- College Life: I had a
great University experience and an even greater college experience at 25.
I made some wonderful friends and really enjoyed what I was studying. It
feels like such a privilege to have been able to devote an entire year
mainly to studying Early Childhood Education.
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| Free to explore the streets of Barcelona with two new friends... |
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What I'm Happy to
Leave Behind in my Twenties:
- Hang 0vers: The fact
that I am in recovery now can give you an idea as to what my hangovers
were like. (BRUTAL) I am definitely glad these are not a part of my life
anymore.
- Dating/Hook-Ups & Obsessing
over Romantic Interests: In the process of moving back home
to Canada, I had the chance to sift through the many journals of my
twenties (both in my home in Seoul and my childhood bedroom in Ottawa) and
the vast majority of content was about the people that I was interested
in. Before I met my husband Jin, I was in love with the chase. I chased
after men and women who were "just not that into me." And I
repeated the same mistakes over and over again. But what was heartbreaking
to read about was how much of my thoughts they occupied. I obsessed
and fantasized endlessly over people who, honestly, did not deserve to
occupy so much of my time. I often wonder what I could have
accomplished if I had not spent so much time caught up in my feelings about
the ones who got away, or were never really there in the first place.
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Married the most comforting shoulder to rest my head on at 27.
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- A lack of Guidance: I have
truly learned how to tap into my intuition in the last few years. Coming
home was an aspect of that. I knew from the moment that I made the
decision to move back to Canada that it was what my soul needed. I have
never felt more settled in my life and I am living in my parent's basement
at 30 (!). But I am building a life for myself and I am where I want to
be. I do not feel as drawn to the chase of the next thrill or adventure
which is major progress for me.
- Empty Friendships: I had a
lot of these in my teens and twenties.Because drinking was such an
important factor in my social relationships, my standards for building a
friendship were essentially: "Can we go out and drink together? Do
you like to have a good time?" When I got sober, I outgrew so many of
my friendships. I remember a time when I thought the number of Facebook
friends you had actually meant something about you. I do not miss this way
of thinking, nor the people whom I let go over time because we just were
not serving each other anymore. That's not to say that they were bad
people, but it has been very gratifying to realize that the quality of my
relationships is much more important than the quantity. Today I don't have
2o different people to call when something goes well in my life or I am
having a hard time, I have about 5. I am very content with that.
- Recklessness with Money: I am still
working on this but I have made a promise to myself to get a lot more
serious about my finances in my third decade. This is huge for me. I am
actually saving money and budgeting! I have RRSP's and am about to qualify
for an Employee Benefit Plan at work- whoa. #Adulting much? I have never
been able to do this long-term in the past. I am currently saving for a
house and mortgage, and it feels insanely grown up to me. I am happy to
leave behind this lack of need for security in my twenties.
- Lack of Compassion &
Understanding for Others: I write this, knowing that I have
always had compassion and understanding for others. But the reality for me
is that it was buried underneath a laser focus on getting my needs met
particularly in my early twenties. I think I was very discriminatory about
who I chose to empathize with in my early twenties. This was largely based
on where my attention went overall. I was just so much more consumed with
my own needs, wants and fears. I also experienced some trials and
tribulations in my twenties that really opened me up to seeing the world
differently. I was connected to several communities of people that I would
have never thought I could feel so close to. I found deep love for people
who were struggling with things that I would have quickly written off as their
own issues in the past. I have come to discover that leaving a part of
myself open to being with others in their pain and showing them compassion
and empathy allows for me to experience deep healing. It also allows for
me to help others heal and recover, and mostly be reminded that "It
is going to be OK." There is no greater high than this, and it is
what gives me joy in life now rather than drugs or alcohol. Although I do
still enjoy a good sugar or spending high from time to time.
- Diets & Restrictive Eating: Although I
felt much more free about my body in my twenties, I also engaged in a fair
amount of destructive behaviours towards it. I did intense cleanses, I
removed so many different foods from my diet for different reasons, I
spent hung over days fasting because of nausea multiple times a week. I
spent too much time and energy thinking about what I should or should
not eat. I am headed into my thirties with the intention of letting
all of that go. I just want to enjoy food and allow myself to eat whatever
it is I want to eat. Honestly, my cellulite is here to stay and
I am learning to be ok with that. There are much more important things to
spend my time and energy on than that.
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Buddy and Me enjoying the comfort of a good cuddle & book at home.
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- A Lack of Boundaries: This one I am
still very much working on, but I have come a long way. Boundaries affect
so many layers of my life. I have always been an open book. I am learning
more and more to be intentional about who I share myself with. I also
am practising boundaries at work in my communications with others. For
example, instilling boundaries for myself around when I will respond to an
email. I am learning boundaries towards others and my expectations of
them. I have felt deeply hurt many times by a friend or peer dismissing an
opportunity to connect with me in the past. I am learning to take that a
whole lot less personally in my thirties because even if it is about me,
so long as that person is closed off, all I can do is practise acceptance
towards them.
There
is plenty more that I could reflect on but I actually feel ready to just let
most of that shit go. So here's to entering into my third decade of life with a
little bit more wisdom from the past and a lot more sensibility!
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