Change on the Horizon

Spring is in full bloom in Ottawa. I have been feeling invigorated and refreshed by the warmer weather and feelings of hope for renewal and rebirth in the air. The full moon in Scorpio promises healing and transformation around boundaries with regards to intimacy, emotional and physical security. 

With another wave of the pandemic in full swing, physical security with regards to health and safety is at high risk for Canadians right now. Ontario is in a strict Stay-at-home order, and we are once again expected to isolate at home for the foreseeable future as the hospitals are exceeding capacity with the rise of COVID cases at an all time high. There is a heavy wave of fatigue in the collective, and Canadians are feeling depleted and discouraged while trudging along in order to maintain a sense of normalcy in their lives during such difficult times. 

At the same time, the rollout of vaccines continues and there is hope on the horizon for possibility of gathering again one day as a community. Although it is unclear when that will be and what that will look like, we have a glimpse of what could be which brings me hope.

Emotionally relationships are continuing to evolve in my life, and I have certainly been going through some major transitions. Boundaries keep coming up for me as I continue to navigate establishing and respecting the boundaries of my loved ones during a pandemic. I have discovered that everyone finds a way to make the limitations and restrictions of life right now work for them and their "bubbles". It is not an easy task, and we have to manage each others' comfort levels, mental health needs, safety needs, and risk tolerances. But at this point, I have observed that people are finding ways to make it work for themselves. And it is in constant fluctuation, so there is pressure to be agile and flexible. But these are skills that transfer into all areas of life, and beneath the difficult conversations and feelings of isolation, I am reminded of the love I have in my life. 

I have a lot to be grateful for:

• My family and their health and safety
• My job and the ability to work from home during a global pandemic
• Our furry friends and the emotional support they provide for us
• Financial Security
• Warmer weather, walks in the fresh Spring air
• Another season ending and new beginnings
• My sobriety and recovery community
• Music, books, podcasts, TV and movies

The list goes on...

My grandfather passed away on April 17th. It came suddenly and was slightly unexpected, but at 88 years of age, he was in a home surrounded by his caretakers and I feel that he was very much ready to "come home." I wrote about him a few years ago, when I went to visit him after my grandmother had passed. At the time, he was not doing well, his mental health was at an all time low and he was struggling to take care of himself. My family thought it might be the end for him because he seemed so weak, but we transitioned him into a palliative care home and things started looking up for him. He lived another two years or so and we watched him come back to life again while receiving incredible care, and rejoin a loving community.

My grandpa was a farmer, a simple man who loved the earth and had a quiet stillness and peace about him. He was soft spoken and kind, he cared for animals and loved his solitude. He lived a good life and I feel at peace with his passing. However, the pandemic has added so many complications to the grieving process. 

I feel for my mother who cannot visit her father's body, and grieve with her siblings the life of their last remaining parent. I feel frustration at this virus that has prevented us from being together when we need each other most. I know that she was hoping he would just hold on a few more months, for us to all be vaccinated and visit him one last time. I am so sorry that she could not have that final time with him. But there is hope for us to be together again in the fall to celebrate his memory. She spoke with him every week, and at the end of their call when saying goodbye he would always say "I love you hon, thanks for calling me."

Grandpa Arnott

He was a very gentle man and he instilled that gentleness and affectionate spirit in my mother. I am grateful for that. 

Many people have had to grieve the passing of loved ones during this pandemic in solace. Life continues on even when put on "pause" during a pandemic. And we find ways to make it work and move forward. 

What gets me through it all is the feeling of hope that I have for the future. Change is on the horizon, new beginnings are blooming and yet I am reminded to pause and be still. To reflect upon all the love I have in my life, to mourn the losses of those I care about and to hug and hold onto the ones that we can for just a little bit longer than usual. 

I am reminded of a poem by Khalil Gibran that I have always loved, shared with me by my mother years ago. I think it so perfectly exemplifies what so many of us are experiencing during this pandemic and spring time.

I hope that you are getting through this pandemic surrounded by loved ones that you can hold tightly. I hope that we can extend some grace to each other as we continue on during such a difficult time and hold out faith in the future for the changes to come, that we can all be physically together again.