Mom Guilt

I received the news on Tuesday that I will be having a scheduled c section in less than 2 weeks, should baby Jacob not decide to come sooner. The last two days, I have been flooded with emotions as I process this news. 

I ultimately want a safe delivery for my child and am keen to follow my doctor's guidance, so I have accepted that I will not be giving birth vaginally. What has surprised me though is the amount of guilt and failure that I have felt over this realization.  I am so thankful for my community of support: family members, my husband, my therapist and friends who I have spent the last few days venting to and getting advice from. 

Mom guilt is very real though. I had an earlier incident in this pregnancy when it was found at his 21 week scan that his left kidney was slightly inflamed. I remember my obgyn sharing the news with me at my appointment and immediately feeling like I had somehow failed this little boy, not keeping him healthy inside of me. It was this sudden surge of fear and guilt, for how my body had failed me in some way. I spent the car ride home in tears, praying for him to be ok. And of course, he was completely fine. I came to learn through conversations with family members and friends, just how common this condition; hydronephrosis is in fetal scans and newborns, baby boys in particular, and how easily treatable it is as well. And then, by our 30 week scan, the inflammation had dissipated and he was measuring fine again so I breathed a sigh of relief.

What is interesting to me is that when I hear of other mother's experiences, which are all unique and include their own twists and turns of events, I have never thought to myself, "Wow, she really failed at this whole pregnancy thing.” My mind has never gone to a place where I am blaming my friend for their experience, because I know that it is simply out of their control and not their fault at all. However, whenever something out of the 'norm' has occured to me, that has been my immediate reaction. 

It is so interesting to me, how much pressure I have placed on myself to provide for this growing child throughout this pregnancy. As I have reflected on all of this with my community of support, what has been made clear to me is just how hard we are on ourselves as women and mothers. I know that having a c section, does not take away from the fact that I have carried and nourished this little one in my belly for the last 37.5 weeks, and it does not take away from the fact that I will do my best to care and provide for him in the future. I know that all mothers have different experiences bringing their child into the world, and none of them are invalid. But how come, this pressure to always do things a certain way. We are forever setting ourselves up for experiencing the feeling of failure.

I am sure that I will continue to make mistakes and fail my son in different ways moving forward. I don't know how it is all going to go, but I know that it will not be intentional and I will continue to do the best that I can. I also am reminded while writing this just how fortunate I am to have been able to experience pregnancy in the first place, and to have carried this little boy to term. but it does not take away from my mind's tendency to focus on how I have failed as a mother (already) in some way.

Can't wait to meet you little one.

I write this note as both a reminder to myself and all other women who have experienced similar sentiments, to practise grace and compassion for ourselves. We are all just simply doing the best we can, and pregnancy is not easy. Even though I know that postpartum will be a whole other world of challenges and emotional adjustments, I am very much looking forward to having my body to myself again. Well I guess that is not exactly going to be the case, but at least I will not be carrying what feels like a giant bowling ball in my belly after he is with me IRL. 

Looking forward to meeting this little guy very soon, regardless of how he enters this world, I hope he comes to know just how very loved he is.