Mixed Feelings

 As my final month of maternity leave approaches, and I prepare to send Jacob to daycare and re-enter the workforce, I have found myself battling two opposing emotions: anticipation and dread. The past eleven months have been the greatest emotional rollercoaster of my life. Spending my days with Jacob has brought with it a multitude of exciting memories, overwhelming challenges and most of all, an outpouring  of unconditional love for this little person. Life has a whole different meaning with him in it. 

I have also had all of my daily routines and rituals turned upside down and thrown out the window in becoming a mother. Motherhood over the past eleven months has been all consuming and ever present. I have jumped into it wholeheartedly and with that let so many other aspects of my life fall to the wayside. Blogging being just one of those things. There is anticipation and excitement about the fact that I will be experiencing a bit of my old self  by getting back to work. There is also the sense of freedom that I crave from time to time. Of having my days back to myself, to simply walk without a baby in my arms or in the stroller I am pushing. I miss feeling productive in a very different way with my days, using my mind to think through ideas and solutions for clients, and having adult conversations about topics that do not necessarily have all that much to do with me. I look forward to having pauses in my day for a break, maybe a walk by myself around the neighbourhood or a quick meditation. I hope to get back to recovery meetings perhaps during my lunch hour. 

I also cannot deny that living on two incomes again will be very much welcomed. I have great anticipation for that.

And then there is dread. Dread at letting my baby go in the mornings to a new person that he does not quite know yet. Trusting that person with my entire heart. Dread at not having my son with me throughout the day, to hold and play with. At losing the new routines of life that we have established together around feeding, sleeping and playing. I will miss the slow mornings together, with nowhere else to be except for home. I have anxiety about weaning him, as I plan to slowly stop nursing over the next few months. I fear removing comfort from him and not meeting his needs.  I have become his primary source of care, security and affection, and although that will not change, there will not be the constance of it that he has experienced in his first year of life. I dread feeling like I've broken his heart in any way. 

I also dread getting up early in the mornings and returning to sitting at a desk all day. The reintegration into everything; catching up on thousands of emails and lapsed corporate training. Working from home in a house with no home office, making it all work for now before the home selling, shopping and buying process begins in the new year. 

I have learned in recovery to feel my feelings as they come. To allow myself to go through the process without trying to escape it by drinking. I still have other vices that I seek out, my online shopping habit has been particularly bad these days. But I am also fully feeling both the anticipation and the dread. 

It also feels like it has only been within the last month or so that I have found my stride with Jacob. His routines well established and his sleep schedule going well. We have been enjoying attending different baby classes together, and I have been connecting with other moms in my community. I am starting to really understand why some women choose to stay home with their children. There is something truly special about this time we have together and the bond that we have formed.

For now, I will try my best to enjoy our final five weeks together full time. To be present (which is not my strong suit), while also preparing myself as best as I can emotionally for this next transition.