A full life

 It has been 2 months since I returned to work from maternity leave. 2 months of Jacob, my husband and I adjusting to yet another life transition. Jacob has been in daycare, and he seems to improve in his overall adjustment to it everyday. As a family, we have already been hit with 2 viruses; we finally got COVID three days in, and Jacob fought off another cold in early December. We endured one week of sleep regression while working full time, working with him sick at home with us, teething aches and pains, and a myriad of 12 month vaccinations. In the midst of it all, our colleagues, family members and friends with young children have smiled, offered consolation and also assured us to continue to expect more viruses and illnesses for the next year. This is all part of the package deal that is: working while raising little ones.

good morning baby boy.

I have also been adjusting to being back at work, and tackling new projects and responsibilities. This was my first time taking an extended break from working, so the re-orientation back into it was a bit overwhelming. I do feel that I have begun to find my rhythm again although I am currently not full time on a client, so my work is always open to shifting. 

While I have enjoyed using my brain again in a different but also familiar capacity, I have also missed the simplicity of my days on mat leave with Jacob. I miss the simplicity, but not the demand of them. I took a sick day on Monday to be with him, because he was not in the best shape, and it felt a bit like a retreat back into my maternity leave. A day spent cocooned in our small condo together, focused on the basics: ensuring he was fed, comfortable, well rested and enjoying his toys and books. Because I didn't feel very sick that day, I really enjoyed the time with him.

I am so grateful that I was able to take one year of maternity leave with him. I already miss a lot of the time we had together and I am very much aware that as he continues to grow up, we will naturally spend less and less time together. The days where he needed me constantly, and it was such an emotional and physical demand, are days that I am already missing. He is now spending the majority of his time during the week in a classroom with other toddlers, learning new things, exploring new foods and gaining more and more confidence in himself as a little person. 

He is on the verge of walking right now. He took 4 steps the other night and then kneeled down. He refused to do it again the next time we let his hands go. I see my little boy who has such a keen focus on everything he does, and a desire for competency before tackling anything. He is confident and already quite independent. And he does not jump into things with reckless abandon. A lesson I can learn from him.

Witnessing his adaptability at 12 months was incredible. How in just a matter of weeks, he learned to feel at ease being handed over to people who were all complete strangers not so long ago. How he is now napping for 2 hours in a cot on the floor in a busy room, when he would barely sleep 10 minutes at the beginning (which is totally understandable in my opinion). I marvel at the independence and growing personality of my little boy and it is bittersweet to continuously realize how his needs from me change everyday. 

I will admit that there is a part of me that doesn't find work as meaningful anymore. And although I still enjoy what I do, I am just aware now of this part of my life that is so much bigger and more important than anything else. I find myself wanting to share with my colleagues stories and photos about my child instead of catch up on the work at hand. I have entered the parents club and it has shifted my perspective on everything. 

The next transition will be preparing our home for listing and hopefully selling it in the new year. These blog posts are happening fewer and farther between, but I am so grateful to have them here in my virtual diary. A place where I can go and reflect on the memories I've created over the last few years. Motherhood and now full time work, have created for less and less space in my day to pause and reflect. So I will cherish the time that I do it, and I will also give myself room to do it less because life is very full right now. This is not a bad problem to have.

Wishing anyone reading this a very happy holidays.