What Meditation Means to Me

My relationship with meditation and sobriety is very much intertwined. I first explored meditation during the summer of my first year of university. That first year was a giant party for me because for the first time I was living away from home (on my parents dime) and I quickly grew accustomed to the University Life which involved a lot of partying.

I have always been one to do things to the extreme, and drinking did not fail to meet that criteria for me. During the summer, my mother organized a special meditation retreat with her then business partner and her spiritual coach. My mother is a Business Management Consultant; and so, growing up my sister and I were exposed to some interesting aspects of her work that she would integrate into our family life. This was the current point of interest: Meditation. My mother had delved into it and was incorporating it into her work, so, naturally, she decided it was time to share it with her girls. She strongly suggested that we tag along to this meditation retreat in Aylmer, Quebec over the weekend. I was particularly aversive to this idea because I had other plans for my weekend which probably involved heavy boozing with my friends, but my sister convinced me we should give it a shot. So we went off to the retreat together, and it was there where I made several impactful discoveries about myself.

What started out as an annoying detour from my oh so exciting life, transformed into an event that shaped a large part of my journey into sobriety and living a more mindful and spiritual life. Woah. That's big! I really did have no idea what I was getting myself into....

It was on this retreat where I made my first realization about my issues with drinking. I admitted to myself that I was powerless over alcohol with the help of a new friend I made there. My mother's colleague. He was instrumental in me making that discovery because he had recently made the same discovery about himself and was sober. Unfortunately, I cannot say that I left the retreat and never had a drink since. However; the seed was planted. I didn't get sober until several years later but from that point on, I knew that I was not a 'normal' drinker and my relationship with alcohol and drinking was forever tainted.

It was also on the retreat where I discovered meditation, and found that it was actually quite nice. ha! I spent most of that weekend sitting in a circle, practicing deep breaths in silence. At one point we did a walking meditation outside in the beautiful garden that surrounded the B&B we were staying at and I remember noticing parts of my surroundings that I could truly appreciate in the moment. I can still remember that walk and the nature that surrounded me. The food was also amazing, which was extremely satisfying.

At first, meditation seemed boring, and then once I saw the value in it, it seemed intimidating. I felt pressure when I closed my eyes to attain a specific state of nothingness. A state that never came. Well that is a lie, I did have one experience quite early on while I was lying in my bed playing a CD created by the woman who ran the meditation retreat. I followed along to her guided meditation and felt, for a brief few seconds, the experience of being out of my body and looking in onto myself. It felt completely limitless. I have never felt so free and when I came back into the room, I had a feeling of elation. That happened once, and it was blissful. Since then I have probably meditated over a thousand times and that has yet to happen again.

I have realized though that meditation is the cool thing to do now, which I embrace! But with that popularity, comes competitive mindsets about what meditation should look like. The image of an Indian Yogi comes to mind sitting crosslegged on a giant lotus flower being transported to another dimension of consciousness and reaching a state of nirvana.

One of the original images depicting what meditation should look like to me.

This image, is just slightly unattainable, and that is not just because I happen to be a white girl with no access to giant lotus flowers, although that surely does not help.

In my sobriety journey meditation has become an important part of my daily routine.  Interestingly,  I was chatting with my sister a few days ago about the value of meditation for me and she explained the value of it for her which was truly eye opening. She explained that meditation is a practise and a skill that you have to work on. I always just looked at it as a means of relaxing and starting off my day feeling good. I now totally get what she meant by that and I could not agree more with her. I try my best to make meditation a part of my everyday routine. Sometimes I do not get to it, because I am human and life gets hectic sometimes. For the most part though, I try to sit in the morning and devote at least 5 precious minutes to meditating.

What that looks like for me is this:

1. First, I open my curtains and prepare my tea. 
2. Second, I grab my fluffy blanket and small pillow and sit down on my sofa.
3. Third, I open my Daily Reflections book and read the day's reflection.
4. Fourth, I open up my Insight Timer Application on my phone and sift through the daily meditations. I choose one that fits and press play.
• For the next 5-20 minutes I am in peace and quiet. During this time I try to breathe deeply and focus on that. What often happens is I think about how my husband has just annoyed me, or my to-do list for the day, or what I'm going to wear, or what part of my body I should worry is going to fall apart on me; the list goes on. Most of the time I am distracted and I try my best to get back to my breathe. And then, every 10th or 20th time that I sit down to meditate I feel truly calm and relaxed. 
5. Fifth I say the Serenity Prayer.
6. Sixth, after finishing my meditation I usually journal. Sometimes I draw a spiritual reading card and write about what that brings to mind for me. Often, I simply write to purge out whatever it is that is on my mind. Usually my writing includes a lot of my anxieties and sometimes prayer.

This is my meditation space, thank God for it.

This is where I realize how important what my sister has told me about meditation is. It is a skill, and I am still very much training myself in this skill. The thing about getting better at our skills is that we need to practise them. So that is why I continue to practise meditation and my routine that surrounds it. That and on the mornings when I do not make time for my daily meditation, the people around me suffer (my husband in particular). So it is truly best for everyone that I have my 5 minutes of peace in the morning.

Namaste 🙏