Grief before Loss: Saying Goodbye to my Grandfather

In light of the fact that October is Mental Health Awareness Month, I felt compelled to share a bit of my own struggles with mental health, mainly with trying to support others who are suffering as well. I have shared a bit about my struggles with anxiety and alcoholism. Both of these were intertwined for a good portion of my life, and now are entirely separate. Anxiety can be crippling for me, and I am so grateful for the tools I have in my life now to be able to deal with it in a more productive way, but it does not disappear and it is a work in progress for me, one day at a time.

Trying to support loved ones dealing with mental illness is another important aspect of life and recovery for me. One that has become prevalent for me and my family this month for several reasons.

This fall has had it's fair share of heartbreak for my family. On September 8th, my cousin, Jared, was killed in a car accident. He had just turned 22. It came as a total shock to our family and I was grateful to be able to fly back to the States for his funeral to be with my family. Although Jared and I were not very close, I spent all my family vacations with him and my other cousins. I got to know Jared for the gentle and easygoing young man that he was. My heart broke for my cousins and aunt who lost him that day, and I was also able to witness their incredible strength and faith during such a devastating loss. For me, it has become so important, learning how to support others in their grief and depression. Something that I think our entire society should work on.

My grandfather has struggled with depression for most of his life. I cannot comment on his experience of it, but as his grand daughter, my experience of his depression was that he wore it like a cloak of invisibility. I have many memories of him laughing and visiting with me, my sister and cousins on the farm. And many more memories of him withdrawing to his room in the basement to sleep and smoke. As a child, I found it confusing as to why Grandpa always slept during the day, and why did he always sit in the dark basement during the days while everyone else hung out upstairs?

My grandpa is an incredibly soft spoken, intelligent, gentle and loving man. I know now that he suffers from an illness: depression. One that I was never taught about in school; similar to the disease of alcoholism - another illness that was not talked about but that I would come to know very well. In learning about depression. I have learned patience and understanding is crucial in order to better grasp exactly how to support each other. When I write "each other" I mean those who suffer from depression, as well as their loved ones who are also affected. 

My alcoholism took a toll on my mind, body and soul. It also took a toll on my family and friends. In recovery, I have work to do in better understanding how to make amends for that. Over the past few years I have witnessed how my grandfather's depression has affected him and his family. Particularly his children, who have struggled with trying to understand and support him, as well as love him and take care of him, while he quietly withdraws from life and retreats into the safe yet somehow dangerous space of his mind.

I am sad that his depression has begun to consume him at the end of his life. My heart breaks for my mother, my aunt and uncle who feel helpless watching their father decline. Like alcoholism, depression is a disease of the mind. Its symptoms are not as obvious as those of a physical disease like cancer. Two years ago, my grandmother died of ovarian cancer that had progressed into her stomach and bowels. My family watched and stood by her as she fought as hard as she could to stay in this world. Her mind was so alert but her body was deteriorating quickly. She never gave up as her body continued to betray her and decline. This was devastating for our family to watch, but near the end we were ready to see her finally have relief from all of the pain she was in.

The contrast between my late grandmother and her husband is polarizing. My grandfather has been referred to multiple times as a walking medical miracle. His body is strong considering the beating it has taken in his life. He has worked hard as a farmer since he was an adolescent. He has always smoked heavily and drank multiple black coffees a day. He does not cook very much and his diet has not been great. He exists mainly on cigarettes and coffee. His body has finally started to weaken at 86 years because he has basically stopped eating. He has lost his will to live but his body continues to put up a good fight!

My heart breaks for my mother who does not know the best way to support him, who so desperately hopes that he will just eat and come back to life. My aunt who just had to bury her baby boy and does not want to say goodbye to her father just yet. My uncle (along with my aunt and mother) who has taken responsibility for his father’s well being and carries that burden with him now. For the extended family members, as well as his neighbours, who hate seeing him in such pain.

I do not know what is more difficult to watch: your loved one leaving this world body before mind, in physical pain but emotionally present. Or your loved one leaving this world mind before body, in emotional pain but physically present. 

All I know is that mental illness is real. It is as heartbreaking as cancer and it is an illness that needs to be better understood. My grandfather lived in a time when he did not have the resources we have now. He could not articulate how he was feeling, so he suffered in silence and so did those he loved.

As his grand daughter, I hope he finds peace. I have to practice acceptance and simply pray for him. I still have hope that something radical will change and he will suddenly realize that his life is truly worth living. I can also offer support to my family and hopefully we can all find acceptance for him too. Grieving is a funny thing, it seems that sometimes the process begins before the physical loss has even occurred.

If you or your loved ones are struggling with mental illness, reach out, know that you are not alone. ♡