Freedom: an Act of Surrendering

A theme in my life right now is surrendering. February I was forced multiple times to confront the realization that I have very little control over almost everything. This is not an easy pill to swallow for me, as I tend to have this inherent belief that if I just exert my will upon something it will happen. But the reality is that my life today holds so many unknowns, so many variables that I have to "wait and see" about. This past month taught me a lesson in surrendering to the universe and letting go of the idea that I had control in the first place.

At the beginning of February, my husband and I planned to meet in Chicago as he was going to be in the US for business and we hadn't seen each other since Christmas. We were both anxiously anticipating our reunion as our separation has been really difficult. We knew that we would only have two nights and one day together, so I just desperately wanted for it to go smoothly. 

The Monday before our weekend trip, my grandfather fell very ill. It became unclear to the family if he would make it. I realized that I may need to cancel my Chicago trip and instead book a flight to Regina to be with my family at my grandfather's hospital bedside. This was devastating news, I felt horrible for my mother, my aunts and uncle and just the sheer frustration at what was happening. My husband and I assumed that our plan for Chicago would be put on hold, and that we may both be rerouting to Regina for a less romantic albeit heartfelt trip. By Wednesday, Grandpa started to make a small turn around. It seemed he was going to hold out for the weekend and my mother decided to come home. This was a good sign, so Jin and I decided to follow through with our trip. 

Then on the Thursday evening (the night before my flight) a snowstorm hit Ottawa. I spent almost all of Friday in the Ottawa airport, awaiting a flight that had been delayed, rerouted, and then delayed again by over three hours as the snow continued to fall outside. By 9:00 pm, after 23 cm of snow, it was officially announced that my flight was cancelled. I had to proceed through security to the check in counter to be given a new booking. Our first night together was gone, all the while my hubby was arriving at our beautiful hotel on the Chicago River. I was booked on a flight Saturday morning, which was then cancelled as I arrived at the airport bright and early the next day.

I was eventually able to get on a later flight through Detroit and by 4:30 pm, I was reunited with my husband in Chicago! By the time we got to our hotel it was dark, and we had 21 hours left together. 

Throughout the week leading up to this trip, I was hoping to have a conversation with Jin that made clear the timeline I wanted our life to be on. I had ideas for how to spend our time together this year; pinning down dates and locations and coming to a clear agreement that would be set in stone (ha!) moving forward. I really thought I had it all under control. And over and over again, the universe demonstrated to me that I didn't have anything under control. 

I was meant to be confronted with this realization over and over again, and the emotional rollercoaster that I was put on was certainly a test. Through our hour long conversations on the phone  while sitting at the airport waiting for my flight, Jin and I moved through frustration to anger, to tears, to laughter on repeat. I knew that we both just wanted so badly to be together, but it felt like the world was against that happening and after all of our time apart it felt the Universe was playing some kind of cruel, deeply personal joke on us. The gift of this experience came suddenly for me standing in the airport amidst the chaos of frustrated travellers: "I have to hand this over to my Higher Power, I have to surrender."

Once I realized this to be the case, everything became crystal clear for me. I knew that I wanted to be with my husband regardless of how difficult it would be for me to get there, and apart from that, I had no expectations for our time together. I just wanted to be with him and I also had to accept the idea that it may not happen for us that weekend. I realized that getting angry was serving me nothing, as nobody in the airport or outside of it could control the weather and its repercussions, just like no one could control my grandfather's illness. I could not will my way out of this situation. Similar to my experiences before I came into recovery, when I truly believed that I could control my drinking, I had to get to a place of surrender in order for me to receive the gift of sobriety. I had to let go of the idea that I had any control and trust that the Universe had a plan for me and would see me through it.

Our 21 hours in Chicago were spent peacefully together. I was so aware of the fact that our time was limited, that all I wanted was to be present with the man I love. In a way, it felt easy because I had finally let go of my need to control it. It was one blissful night in Chicago.

Happy.

Then on the drive back to the airport on Sunday, the snow started to fall. By the time we arrived, my flight had been delayed three hours. It was all to begin again, and I found myself preparing for the worst. I didn't have my work laptop with me- what was I going to do tomorrow if I was still in Chicago and I had meetings to call in for? Jin felt horrible as we headed to the counter to see if there was anything the agents could do. Thankfully, I was booked on an earlier flight and we headed through security. Amidst the chaos, our flight terminals became rearranged and we ended up switched to adjacent terminals- a small gift from the universe! 

Thankfully the snowfall was relatively short-lived and I managed to get out on time and make it home that evening and Jin did as well. I had to take a moment in the airport to remind myself that my experience might not be the same as it was the day before and at least I was with my husband and we were both getting delayed together. It ended up feeling like another small gift- some compensation for our time lost. After what we had both gone through, the surrendering came a little bit easier that time.

I am coming to realize that the act of embracing freedom this year involves me surrendering to the Universe on many levels. In order for me to be free, I need to let go of the idea that I have control over people, places and things. The only thing I have control over is myself, my actions and my ability to let go and trust that my Higher Power has a plan for me. Unfortunately I am meant to learn this lesson over and over again because it does not come naturally to me in the slightest. Our next trip may become another example of that. We have planned to spend 4 days in London at the beginning of April as Jin is currently in Prague on business for the next 6 weeks. Unfortunately with the fast spreading coronavirus, we are now unsure if either of us will be allowed to travel. As a South Korean, Jin will most likely be targeted and the Czech Republic has already issued a travel ban against South Korea. Yet again, another test for us and an opportunity to surrender. All we can do is pray and practise acceptance.

The irony is that when I let go and surrender to what is, that is when I feel the relief of not having to carry it all on my shoulders. When I let go and trust in something greater than myself, it is then that I can be truly set free. 

What is it that you need to surrender to in order to set yourself free?