Isolation

I have spent the majority of 2020 in my childhood home with my parents. At thirty years old, I never could have predicted this. I knew that I would be coming home and staying with my parents temporarily but what I did not know was that there would be a global pandemic that would kill hundreds of thousands of people and that the Canadian Government would seriously struggle to deal with it. I could have never planned that my husband's trip here in the summer with his parents would get cancelled because of this virus. That his ability to apply for work here would be seriously impinged upon. That I would be working with a client that I may never actually meet in person, and that the only socializing I would be doing would be from at least six feet apart with a select number of friends. This was a year for me to build a community for myself again in Canada, that has not been easy because I have barely left my house for fear of contracting a virus that we still know very little about. 

I truly could have never imagined.

As it gets colder here and fall is upon us, I find myself in a depressive state. The isolation of this pandemic and the powerlessness that I have over multiple elements of my life has left me feeling a bit trapped. Escapism is something I have always done very well. My alcoholism represented a great outlet for that, but I have found escape through sweets, shopping, travel, TV season binges and social media. Travel was also eliminated this year. I have racked up airline credits for three cancelled trips that I likely will not get to use this year. 

I miss my husband. I miss having a life outside the four walls of my childhood bedroom. I miss hugs from friends I haven't seen in a while. I miss walking around public spaces without fear of bumping into someone or getting too up close and personal with them. I miss travelling to new destinations and exploring as soon as I get off the plane. I miss dressing up and going out. I miss having lunch with colleagues and chatting about life outside of work.

2020 has been hard. It has been a lot. The isolation that I have been living in has taken its toll.

Image Credit: Bruno Baraldi / TAKI

It has always been in my nature to try to make the best of a situation, to look on the bright side and find the silver lining. I have always done this as a means to self soothe, to give myself some internal reassurance that everything will be ok. I struggle a lot with sitting with my negative emotions, it has never been easy for me and when I removed drugs and alcohol from my life, I was forced to deal with a lot of them. However, I have still found other ways to escape them, as mentioned above. So for today, I am not going to find a silver lining, I am just going to be with my sadness, my loneliness. Because it is real, it is how I feel right now and I suspect there are others feeling that way too.

Hang in there. 

xo

Poem by Brianna Wiest