2020

the time will come that you run out of map for the road you've been taking to get where you go. 

& what then?

you create.

You step beyond the borders of the paper square you once thought held the whole world.

you stretch your legs & run, let new air fill your lungs.

the unknown may be filled with unspeakable fright,

unmatchable beauty, but whatever it holds,

you are free.

you are free, & you

must keep moving.

maps don't lead

to Holy Ground.

-t.t.h. blue

Free was my word of 2020. I chose this word with all kinds of plans in mind. Before the world shut down because of a global pandemic. And in some strange way, it still came true for me.

December and the holidays mark a time of reflection. Reflecting on what a crazy year it has been. There have been major shifts that have taken place in the collective as a result of COVID19, the American election and the Black Lives Matter movement. I know that this year has been difficult, and I am one of the fortunate ones who has had the privilege of working from home through a global pandemic, who has had warm shelter and family members who remain healthy (knock on wood*), and who is extremely privileged because of my nationality and the colour of my skin. I was reminded over and over this year of my blessings. And it was still difficult for me. When I take time to digest that truth, I cannot help but feel compassion and empathy for those essential workers who have to go out everyday in order to bring home food for their families, those who are called to heal and care for the vulnerable and sick during this time, those who have lived through generational trauma and systemic racism and discrimination based on their gender identity and/or sexuality.

But I do want to recognize the hope that has stemmed from this past year. For me personally, my nephew was born on January 9th, 2020. Exactly one month after my 30th birthday, and what an incredible, albeit a little belated gift he was. This little boy has brought so much joy and love to our family in such an otherwise strange time. He is a true God-send.

Noah and me :)

On a larger scale, I woke up and became privy to the harsh and brutal realities of police brutality and systemic racism in the western world. Unfortunately, my education and that of countless others came at the expense of so many black and PoC lives over the course of history. But my process of delving into my own education on this subject began, and will continue as I learn more and more about my privilege and how to be an ally for equality, inclusivity and diversity in the world. There is so much freedom in this pursuit above all else.

On an even greater scale, the world watched as Donald Trump was finally voted out of office, in an election with the most votes in history for a democratic candidate. I know that there are still many flaws in the system and that Joe Biden is yet another old white male president, but I have hope and so much relief that a racist, sexist, narcissistic predator will finally be forced to leave office and be officially removed from his position as the representative for a country that I hold dear to my heart.

2020 was also the year that a contagious virus put the world into lock down, hijacked billions of people's lives and motivated medical communities to produce a vaccine in record time that is now in the beginning stages of distribution. Woah.

I have undergone some major changes in my personal life as well, within my career and relationships that I will continue to share more about over time. I was gifted the poem above in a card for my birthday this year by my mother. I have spent more time with her this past year than I could have ever imagined and it was exactly what I needed. How fortunate I was at 30 years old to be safe at home with my parents during this past year. The words speak so much truth to the transitions that I have undergone this past year. This year I had to learn to let go and trust in the Universe's plan for me. I will continue to revel at the journey that I have been on, so much of which I did not plan or foresee. My plans continue to pale in comparison to those of my Higher Power, and the greatest thing that I can do for myself is continue to trust and believe in that truth.

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays xo

2020 was a bit of a disaster, but it brought me back to the very basics of my recovery. I admitted defeat, and powerlessness and came to believe in something greater than myself to restore me to sanity. 

I have a lot of hope for 2021, for the world and for me.