Love

I have always loved Valentine's Day. Growing up, it was the day I could always count on my dad coming home from work with chocolates, cards and treats for his girls. And as a teen, it became a day to celebrate love. It was never a huge deal. But there was always an added specialness to the day among others. Even when I was single, I enjoyed celebrating the day with my friends.

On Valentine's Day of last year, I met Yeorum in person for the first time. It was still lockdown in Ottawa, and I was living with my parents where we kept a very tight bubble in order to protect my sister who is immunocompromised and my nephew. Yeorum and I had been talking on the phone for about a month. We would stay up chatting for hours on end, getting to know each other in a pandemic. I had asked him to take a COVID test before our meet up just to be safe. 

We met in the parking lot outside of my car. He gave me a Starbucks tea and box of Ferrero Rocher chocolates and asked if he could give me a hug. I immediately felt a sigh of relief when I saw him and then when we hugged, I felt my nerves begin to quell.  We went for a walk in the snow. I wanted to walk for hours, but eventually the trail ended. We said our goodbyes and headed home. 

I knew after I met him that he was special. In fact, I knew the first moment I heard his voice on the phone and it sounded strangely familiar that maybe I had known him before. But meeting him face-to-face, in person, confirmed it for me. 

I decided to move forward with divorce at the beginning of December 2020. Jin and I had been living on opposite sides of the world for 15 months by that point, and it was clear that he was not going to make the move to Canada. I knew that I did not want an absentee husband, and the separation we had endured had taken its toll on the remains of our marriage. I had been holding on for dear life, while feeling incredibly lonely and building resentment towards him every day for not choosing me and us. In reality, it was not that simple, but at the time, that was how it felt. When I finally initiated the truthful conversation with our counselor about us, it felt like a weight had been lifted. I was finally ready to set him free and, I had chosen to set myself free. 

But I left my marriage knowing I wanted to find a partner. I was building a life for myself and knew that the one ingredient missing was someone to share it with. 

I met Yeorum on the dating app Hinge at the beginning of January, and by Valentine's day we were on our first date. The year following has been been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. With the challenges of going through international divorce and life while in a global pandemic. But the development of our relationship has been the opposite. It has been quiet, soft and easy. 

It felt so easy fitting into each other's lives. I have never experienced this type of ease. Even the challenges and conflicts we have endured have felt easy in comparison to my past relationship experiences. There is something about dating in your thirties. I feel very much like a complete person at 32. For the most part, I know who I am. and I am confident in myself, but also very much invested in continuing to develop myself and be a good person. I also have a past and 'baggage'. But rather than looking at it negatively, I believe it makes me who I am. 

In getting to know Yeorum, we both realized early on the strange synchronicities of our past. From him leaving his home country of Korea at thirteen to come to Canada and eventually realize that he wants to settle here. To my experience living in Korea, settling into a serious relationship there and leaving because I also realized I wanted to settle here. To our family parallels growing up despite living on opposite sides of the world.

I felt at home with Yeorum almost immediately. and when I admitted to him my flaws, my 'baggage', the things that made me 'me', he accepted them immediately without hesitation. He felt like home.

In one year of loving him I have come into myself. I gained back the 12 pounds that I lost in year one of the pandemic, and began learning how to love my body again. I truly embraced my ambitious spirit and stepped into my career. I bought my first home. I learned that I still need to release memories and plans from my previous marriage in order to be fully present in this relationship now. I finally felt the support, love and care from a partner who just wants to be with me, doing life together. It has all felt so simple. 

Thank you for helping me to heal my heart. To many more years; a future with you.

Home.