My Baby

 We found out we were pregnant on February 26th. When the digital YES+ appeared on the tiny stick, my stomach dropped. I was pretty shocked as this was not in our immediate plans, and we both spent several seconds staring at each other in disbelief. What followed in the day was a bit of a blur, a call with my immediate family and then dinner with some friends and their daughter where we couldn't help but share the news.

From that moment, my attachment to this little being inside me became stronger and stronger. And suddenly all of my anxiety was directed at him and his well being. Would this pregnancy be viable? Would I miscarry? Would I be able to raise a child? Would this baby be healthy? I realized pretty early on that this anxiety would likely never go away and continue to evolve into something new about this little one for the rest of my life. 

With the anxiety came grief. Especially as the nausea set in over the following weeks. My body suddenly did not feel like my body anymore. I was sore and tender, fatigued and nauseous for the next 14 weeks or so. My sense of smell (which was already strong enough) heightened and the salads I ate everyday for lunch became absolutely revolting for me to even visualize. I realized that along with these constant changes in my body, my emotional and mental state would be forever partly focused on this little human growing inside of me. A part of me that would soon disconnect from me physically and become its own little person, separate from. 

The grieving was intertwined with this growing love and deep attachment to this little miracle. And along with the discomfort I was feeling, there was also this wonder and marvel at the miracle that was taking place inside of me. From the first scan where we saw a tiny little embryo, to hearing the first heartbeat, I was in awe of this little being and its development. 

Beautiful baby boy. :)

I knew very early on in my relationship with Yeo Rum that I could envision us building a family together, and we talked about it in the first few months. Something about meeting in our thirties, after heartbreak, in a pandemic. There was this inner knowing I felt about him from the very beginning. I also had a developed a solid sense of myself and my needs and values in life when I entered into our relationship. And he met me where I was. We talked about our life plans very early. and with me being the incessant planner, he entertained all of my ideas and fantasies about what could be! 

Suffice to say, in hindsight we could have been more careful. But I think somehow we knew that even if we weren't it would all work out. Even after being married, I have never felt this time of grounding and security in a relationship. I do believe this feeling of security is also connected to me coming home to myself before meeting him. I am so grateful to have met him when I did. 

So yet again life has demonstrated to me that it has greater plans for me than I do for myself. I am now 5 months along, feeling baby kicks, hiccups and somersaults all day long. With every single one, a small reminder, "I'm here!" and a gentle distraction from my everyday that puts a smile on my face. The anxiety remains, but with it comes gratitude, excitement and this anticipatory feeling of overwhelming joy at getting to hold this little one in my arms in just a few months. 

Chronicling the bump growth from 10 weeks to 20! :)

I will be celebrating 7 years of sobriety on June 24th, and when I look back at my life over the past 7 years, I am in awe of how God has shown me the way. The more I have continued to surrender to the journey, to the ups and downs of life, the more at home within myself I have become and life has been good to me. I hope to provide a safe haven for this little boy and support and love him unconditionally till the end of my days.