Life these days

These days my life is everything Jacob. Being 5 months into maternity leave, with a 4.5 month old boy, I have learned that there is a true art to timing and I don't think that I will ever master it, let alone get a good handle on it. 

All over my social media are posts about 'the perfect routine for a 4 month old', meanwhile my discovery is that I don't think my son likes routines! Or if he does like them, he is not keen on the ones that I am trying to implement into his day. I will say that his night time sleep has progressed to only 1-2 feedings per night, but his day times lack any true consistency at this point in terms of timing. 

Some days he has 3 naps, some days 4, some days he will nap on me for 90 minutes, other days he is micro-napping in 25 minute spurts, and some days he will resist his crib or bassinet for a nap by screaming at my husband and me for over an hour. 

There are days when I feel I have gotten the correct timing cycle on everything. From nursing peacefully, to playtime, to naps and eventual bedtime. But those days I am a different version of exhausted because I am working tirelessly trying to anticipate his needs and chronicle his every move. The pull that this little human has on me and my desire to provide for him is endless. And yet, I would not want for anything more. 

When chatting to a friend in Korea, she asked me how I would describe my general state these days and the first word that came to me was depleted. At the same time, I am in awe of this little wonder that wakes me up in the mornings, that clings to me at times when he feels uncertain. And I spend my days, nursing, carrying, changing laundry loads, vacuuming, folding, walking, and tidying. Trying to master timing and meet his needs before they become urgent. I fail at this at least once a day, to be clear, but I don't stop trying. 

I envy mothers who have little ones with full blown routines and consistency. I have always been someone who thrives on routines and consistency, but maybe my son is not like me. He will continue to teach me everyday, and maybe that is exactly what I need right now. 

There is so much information out there about codependency and the importance of instilling boundaries with those you love in order to best take care of yourself. At this point in my life though, I find that information quite difficult to apply. I am so completely merged with this little human, and my husband merged with us. And that feels necessary right now. It does not mean that it does not bring about issues and challenges, but I am not quite capable of instilling boundaries with my child. How would he know the difference? I certainly do not want him to feel any type of rejection from me. So for now, I have to continuously surrender to this life of inconsistency, a lack of routine, and all the baby snuggles.

I am tired, but he is so worth it.

My little man.