9 Years

On Monday, I turned 9 years sober. It was a relatively quiet birthday, spent it working and then eventually having dinner that my husband made. Over the weekend, my mom and husband attended an AA meeting with me and we went out to lunch after to celebrate, while my dad watched Jacob at home. It was a wonderful day.

Just 9 years ago, my life looked very different from the way it looks today. 

From Monday to Friday, it was relatively normal apart from the periodic pangs of anxiety when remembering something I'd done or said when drunk of the weekend. When the weekend came, the following anxieties accompanied it:

What are my plans for Friday and Saturday night?

Who is available to go out with me?

Where will we go?

What will we be drinking?

What is my plan for not over doing it?

And then Friday evening would set in, and the obsession would creep in quickly:

When can I start drinking?

How do I make this look casual in front of my family?

How much can I drink at home before leaving to go out where it will cost more?

Once I had that drink, my mind was focused on obtaining that "tipsy" feeling, but naturally, once I got to that state, my mind would switch to, how do I feel this more? This would begin the descent into oblivion. 

At 25, in a bar on a Saturday night, I might not have appeared to be an alcoholic to others enjoying their evening. I was young enough still to pass as a young woman who just went a little bit overboard that night. Little would the strangers around me know, that going "a little bit overboard" was the only way I knew how to drink.

I rode that wave for quite a few years. 

Years where my drinking got progressively worse, and put me in dangerous predicaments with strangers in foreign countries without a cell phone or piece of ID because I'd left it at the previous bar. 

The hangovers also got worse. Alcohol took a toll on my body, the blackouts more common than not, waking up with vomit on the sheets and a splitting migraine. Sundays became complete write offs, partially because of the shame and anxiety I would wake up with, leaving me wanting to crawl deeper under the covers and hide away for the rest of the day. Partially because of the intense body aches and nausea.

When I reflect on the way I felt before deciding to go to my first meeting, I remember feeling so disconnected from the person I was when I drank. She was a different person, and I couldn't keep getting dragged back into living in her world, because it was just simply too isolating and dark but also so incredibly tempting, deceivingly so.

9 years later, I am sitting in the family room of the home I share with my husband, son and cat. Tired but safe. The greatest gift I have received in sobriety is freedom from the shame that would haunt me after every night out. Today, I can remember what I did last night, the details of the conversations I had throughout the evening with the people I love. My world is smaller and simpler today. My free time is rarely spent out with strangers, and instead I look forward to curling up on my sofa and watching a reality show, having a nap and snuggling my child. When plans with friends get cancelled, I feel relieved at the prospect of a night with nothing to do.

Alcohol does not occupy my thoughts anymore. There is no more obsession to drink, and for that I am so grateful.

Life has new challenges today, my job has been extremely demanding and I am feeling quite burnt out. I am confronting some realities about the career path I am on, and the life I want to live. I did not anticipate the return to work being this confronting after having a child, but I also have to consider making the right decisions financially for my child. These stresses are enough for me right now. The fact that I do not have to carry the anxiety of a black out the night before into my work day is a gift. For that I am thankful.

I am also thankful for the life I have today because had I not gotten sober, I am not sure I would even be here today. 

true love

my world

home

If you or someone you know is struggling with alcoholism and/or substance addiction, know that you are not alone and there are ways to find freedom again. Please reach out.

I am so grateful that I did and will continue to move forward in my recovery one day at a time.