Free

My word of the year for 2020 is Free. I feel as though I have been freeing myself from past identities, relationships and goals for a while now and I want to continue doing so. I also love the connotation of freedom behind the word. Having moved back into my parent's basement at the age of thirty, it is easy for me to get to a place of feeling trapped at times. And the sentiment of 'feeling trapped' is my kryptonite. It brings about a lot of fear and sadness. I have learned in recovery that I have to see my part in all of the situations that I get myself into in order to acknowledge that I have the freedom and ability to get myself out of them as well. 

Moving back to Canada and pursuing a career transition was all a result of me working through those same fears of being trapped in a life that I did not want for myself. Now that I am here, working and building a life for myself, I find myself dwelling on all of the elements of my life that are completely out of my control. It is when I get myself into this frame of mind, where I am feeling resentful and trapped that I need to find my way back to freedom. 

This year I want to free myself of the following:

• Expecting others to abide by my timelines and unspoken rules of how to live their lives

• Comparing my life to that of my peers who stayed in Canada, started their careers earlier than me and are "further along" in their lives 

• Connecting hidden motives to my friend's and family's actions towards me that prove my suspicions that they don't truly care about me or love me as much as I love them

• Fear of spending too much money on my physical, spiritual and emotional wellbeing because it might not be covered by my insurance 

• Fear of failing at work which leads to not reaching out and/or taking chances when presented with the opportunity

• Comparing my client work and performance to that of my colleagues for fear that I am not doing as well or not being adequately recognized for my efforts

• Resentment towards my loved ones for crossing boundaries with me that I did not set and make clear in advance

• Pressure to 'get my life together', have the perfect looking life and all of the material items necessary in order to achieve that by the end of the year

• Pressure to be similar to my close friends and family in terms of our values, lifestyle and material possessions

I am always a work in progress. I know that it will not be easy for my to free myself of these ideas and emotions over the course of the year. It will take a lot of patience and understanding with myself, and I will have to surrender my will to that of my Higher Power over and over again. It feels good though, to put this intention out into the world for myself. I get most triggered and weighed down by my feelings of resentment, comparison, pressure and fear about that which I truly cannot control. It is also second nature for me to make assumptions about someone else's future actions. But this does not bring me any sense of fulfillment and in fact, makes me feel more and more trapped in a situation that I, yet again, have no control over. I do have the freedom though to give things away that do not serve me anymore. I have the freedom to continue to pursue a life that feels good for me right now. I have the freedom to give others the space to do what is best for themselves as well. I write this because I need to remind myself of it as it does not come naturally. 

How blissful would life be if I could just let go?

Some highlights of 2020 so far

This woman teaches me about freedom everyday; she is the epitome of courage, grace, patience and understanding

This little boy was born on January 9th, 2020. I can't wait to show you the world Noah!