Envy

September 30, 2021

Envy

Envy is a feeling that I have been experiencing a lot of lately, and it is not a comfortable place to be in. Having had a summer of reintegrating with society, after vaccines, post lockdown and having moved out of my parents home, I have truly been enjoying connecting in person with friends and colleagues again. However; my inner self comparison game has been going strong.

As I reflect on having lived in somewhat of a bubble for the year 2020 and being shielded from knowing how others outside of my bubble were really doing and vice versa, I realize that the protection that my bubble offered me served very well. Especially during a time in my life when my marriage was falling apart. I was able to hold all of my pain and grief close to me, and share it only with the people in my bubble. My close family members and a few select friends, my safety net. I was able to shield myself from any outside judgement and/or inquiry.

I was going through this while the people around me seemed to be going through engagements, pregnancies, buying homes, even adding new animals to their families.

Envy.

I know that I was not alone, and that everyone is going through something, but at times it felt like I was falling off course and failing.

Sometimes it takes me a while to piece together why I am feeling the way I am. My go-to emotions a lot of the time are frustration, anxiety and impatience. I do not like the discomfort of feeling dark feelings. Before recovery, alcohol was a great method for avoiding feeling my feelings. Another coping strategy I have developed is throwing myself into the next distraction or activity and often that involves a lot of planning. Planning my next steps in life. But I think because my life took a different route, I have been feeling like I have been falling behind so I have to push my planning into overdrive to make up for lost time.

I will never catch up.

There will always be someone or something that is miles ahead of me or just barely out of reach.

This is where the envy kicks in. I meet friends and see them experiencing moments in life that I have yet to experience and then, my anxiety says, "maybe you will never get to experience those things...especially if you continue on this way..." This propels the impatience and frustration that everything around me, my life, is not moving more quickly. And then the planning takes over as a form of self soothing: "here is how I can grasp a sense of control." Which as I have learned over and over again, is so far from the truth.

I had to learn to let go and surrender my alcoholism to a Power greater than myself in recovery. I have to do this every day. Every morning when I wake up and pray, and meditate I am reminded that I am not the One in charge, and that is a wonderful thing, a great relief. Whenever I try to take the reigns back, I somehow always end up in this same space emotionally of discomfort, envy, impatience and fear.

The truth is, we are all going through something. Everyone is struggling in some way, and we are all trying our best to survive. Nobody has it all figured out and the game of self comparison serves no one. There is no scorecard for our lives. Some of my greatest failures have turned out to be my greatest blessings.

Surrendering to my alcoholism brought me recovery, hope, connection and a new life. My divorce has given me so much perspective, forgiveness and compassion and has led me to a new relationship where I feel completely at home.

When envy kicks in for me, I will try to remember to feel through it. Surrender to it. Accept it. And eventually I can trust that I will feel OK again. I will be reminded of the fact that the path that I am on, has it's own unique journey. And that is what makes each of us so interesting.