Faith

 As I begin my final trimester of pregnancy, and continue to adjust to all of the changes my body is undergoing I have been noticing anxiety creeping into my days more and more often. From worries about physical symptoms that I have never before experienced to all of the fears around not being prepared enough when baby comes. 

I have been observing this deep childhood fear around abandonment coming up for me in a way that I have never experienced before. I think it is because I am suddenly housing this completely vulnerable and helpless little being, and am hyper aware of the fact that I will be his primary source of care, protection and nourishment when he enters into the world. That feeling of immense love and care for him combined with my fears around my own capacities to provide for him in all of the ways that he will need have stirred up some primal fears around abandonment. 

Even though I am surrounded by an incredible support system in my husband, family and friends, this fear is not rational. As someone who deals with anxiety, which has only been exacerbated in many ways during pregnancy, I am grateful for the tools and resources that I have at my dispense. I am leaning on conversations with friends and family, journalling, meditation and prayer to help me remind myself that I and, subsequently this baby are going to be ok and we will have all of the support we need. 

It is interesting though as the 'nesting' phase creeps in, the vast array of information that is out there with tips, cautions, classes and opinions on how to get it right. Sometimes it feels as though all of it is meant to cause further anxiety for future mothers rather than help them. It is easy to feel overwhelmed by it all. 

As this little boy wiggles away inside my belly all day (he is very busy!), reminding me of his presence, I am reminded to simply just be and check in with myself. I will never be able to have all of the information I need, and I will likely mess up many times over, but I will learn as I go and he will teach me about what works for him. Trusting in the Universe and it's divine plan for all of this. It has always taken care of me, so I can only have faith that it will do the same for this precious little boy.